well.. i really honestly want to declare out loud.. and perhaps tell everyone else on this planet.. and maybe other planets as well.. im the biggest loser.. the most screwed up guy around anywhere in this universe.. galaxy, milky way.. etc..

first reason.. i went back to school.. practically becos i had nth better to do.. can u beat that? who can be such a person lyk me? really.. i actually had a choice to do smt else.. but yea..didnt want to.. it wld hv been window-shopping.. and im not much of that shopping sort.. yar.. anyway..i am glad i dint go cos kkm said it's lyk his legs nearly broke and yar.. i think i wldnt be able to hold out as much as them.. so yar..went back to sch.. and ended up seeing so many other sec4 prefects.. it hoenstly wasnt planned to meet at all.. and nearly the entire exco was there.. yup.. actually primary purpose was to study.. and yup..ended up studying in the sch canteen which was pathetic.. and not much came out of it.. played soccer after 3 hrs of studying.. and basketball..jus to unwind abit..after which we left for home together..

second reason.. i find myself so caught up with things.. as in letting them affect me so much.. WHY!!! people have already gone on ahead wif life.. why am i the only wan still holding on.. still reaching out.. to smt that is going further and further away frm u.. which is practically.. stupid? ridiculous? honestly mann.. wats wrong wif me.. can someone tell me? i so badly wanna study psychology now.. so tt i know why am i thinking liddat now.. sighx..

but it was a special saturday for me.. two days ago.. yup.. it was farewell for our exco.. 06/07.. it was kinda saddening.. as in yar.. sad.. but they made it quite nice.. quite cheerful..light and hearty atmosphere.. which really didn't make me think abt the sad part much.. and yup..it was first the ceremony.. during the ceremony.. it was rather cool.. seating arrangement and all.. exchanging of gifts.. seats and removing of the ties.. tat part.. was a bit yeah.. direct.. but nonetheless.. the sec4s amongst ourselves we had fun telling each other how much better we look without our ties.. perhaps we are just used to seeing each other without our ties on.. yeah.. and after which was reception.. fruit punch was good.. took plenty of pictures.. and yea.. taupok-ing one another.. hai.. after ceremony.. most of us went to play soccer.. at the tennis court..den change to field.. den change to basketball court.. all of which were cool sia.. the sec4s teamed up and played against the rest.. outnumbered lyk siao but still managed to win.. haha.. tt was at the field and tennis court.. and when we were at the bb court.. we played league.. again the sec4s teamed up.. and played against two other teams in lyk knockout liddat lar.. and we kept winning them.. until we won 7 matches in a row.. and haha.. yup..at the end of everything.. exhausted.. dinner was extremely good.. at sakura international buffet restaurant.. good food sia.. and a really eye-opener for me.. and so..after dinner.. we went to play arcade.. abit..i didnt play lar.. u know.. im not an arcade kinda person.. after that we made our way back to sch.. but i went somewhere else.. after which i met the remaining sec4s who were staying overnight at marine cove the bowling centre there.. and we bowled until 2.30am sia.. cool right..and we ran into 2 police cars.. one of which the guy inside kept staring at us when he drove past us very slowly in the marine cove carpark.. and since no transport.. we had to walk all the way back to sch.. which lasted for lyk 45 mins.. and yar..by the time we got back to sch..we were all sweaty.. somehow the main gate wasn locked..and so we entered through there.. ended up sleeping only at 6.30 am sia.. and i woke up at 8 preparing to leave..and my father came to pick me up..
generally.. i jus wanna thank the exco of VSPB 07/08 for the great farewell.. good food.. good video montage.. and all.. yup..thanks for all the gifts.. from bingyu, sec2s, sec3s, wilnard and yang en.. thanks to those who had a part to play in this entire farewell.. thank you guys..

nonetheless.. switching back to reality.. i am the most screwed up person arnd.. anyone who can prove me wrong pls approach me..

snap back to reality.. and im facing loneliness all ALONE..




okay..exams are over..and den? nth much.. its lyk probably a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders.. and yar..much lighter now..but thats about all..

well..still can rmb vividly last week.. on saturday.. coming home from mother's day dinner.. we had it at some SRCC.. yar..at changi dat side.. and den after that we went to IKEA drink free coffee.. cool sia.. i drank tea though..it was shiok.. and so yar..after that came home at around 10 plus.. and after coming out of the lift lobby..we were making quite abit of noise lar.. and den when we got to our door.. and my mother opened the gate.. i somehow turned to the right.. and i saw this couple sitting down at the stairs.. between the 8th and the 9th floor.. dey werent doing anything.. dey jus sat dere and yar.. talked to each other.. i got a bit of a shock..and i was also wondering.. "why out of all blocks they choose our block? " and also.. "why out of all floors they choose this floor?" i got abit into the thinking mode.. and yar.. moreover i was thinking abt her.. and..yar..it jus suddenly became so evident into my mind.. tt she's still outside..not replying my smses or picking up my calls.. oh well.. okay.. jus keep this thingy in mind..

couldnt get to sleep even 2 hrs later.. probably because of the tea that i drank or smt.. or was it because i was too worried for her.. sighx.. in any case..it was already sunday early morning at around 12.30am..and i was apparently so worried for someone who still havent gotten home yet.. and kept ignoring my calls.. but i guess thats wat i get in return for wat i did.. my retribution.. so i stayed up until arnd 1.30..if im not wrong.. yup.. spent my time disturbing someone.. oh u know hu u r.. and den yar..the cordless phone was spoilt also..and so i felt so confined.. to just tat particular spot at my study room.. and so looking aimlessly out of the window.. i saw this couple.. at the roof of the public carpark that my block is facing.. they were seated on a small ledge near the staircase.. and yar.. they were making out alright.. somehow quite prominently.. although the lamps of the carpark were dimly lit.. and yar..wat u xpect me to do.. i of course look out of the window lar.. talking over the phone so sianly.. and yar..nth else better to do.. so yar..just stare at the couple lor..i believe they were around our age.. so yar..nvm.. and den jus kept looking at looking.. they were lyk kissing each other for over 5 minutes now.. and i was thinking to myself.. wa seh..hiong sia.. in public somemore.. they must be thinking tat at this hour no one will be watching.. but they are so awfully wrong.. haha!! so just kept noticing.. and soon enough.. the girl..got down frm the guy's lap.. very slowly.. and they both stood up still very slowly.. kissing still alright..mind u.. and both of them slowly fell over behind the pillar.. and i mean fell over.. down to the ground.. and tt was where i lost sight of dem.. but im kinda thankful i lost sight of them.. cos yar.. GOD knows wat they were doing.. i believe u guys can also guess lar.. and so.. yar.. this incident really made me think abt wat this world is becoming to.. wat this world will become into.. and wat this world will become eventually.. mann..

looking at all of that.. and thinking about her.. it jus really makes me cannot sleep.. and yar..not picking up my calls.. not replying my smses.. i jus couldnt feel easy.. oh well.. and arnd 1.30am.. i cldnt disturb tt person anymore.. so i jus yar..hung up lor..i laid awake on my bed.. and prayed.. until gradually and very slowly.. i fell asleep somehow..

woke up the nxt morning feeling terribly awful.. but wat to do..my life's lyk that.. and yar.. had to go to church still..hav exams the nxt day.. and wah..im lyk so slack.. but it has been one week already.. and exams are finally over.. not much of a great satisfaction as i was describing but yar..at least we can relax now.. poof...

have been really putting down alot of big things lately.. huge.. prominent things in my life.. and i all of a sudden feel so empty.. loneliness? not exactly.. emptiness? perhaps.. i don't know how to face u anymore.. i don't know how to talk to u anymore.. i don't know EVERYTHING.. abt u..regarding u.. anymore.. alright..

totally drained..



i never felt so screwed up in my entire life.. so mixed up.. so messed up...

i really dunno.. why is all this happening.. alright.. how u actually managed to abandon me just lyk that.. turn ur back on me.. and actually forget about literally everything that has happened over the past 1 year.. lets not talk about ur side..cos i dun even know.. but let me tell u.. everything from my point in view.. alright..

to me.. the past 1 year has really been a memorable one for me.. getting to know u and stuff lyk that.. i can still vividly rmb the days when we first knew each other.. the days when we first started talking to each other.. through msn or through the phone.. so on and forth.. and everything else.. especially the more memorable occasions.. be it watching my first movie with u.. or going to watch the fireworks during the national day period with u.. to me.. all these had left a big impact on me.. a huge imprint on me.. that i doubt i can ever erase it off.. not just by the click of ur handphone and ur messages get deleted.. neither by the click of the mouse do u delete ur email..

i somehow or rather started feelings this very deep sense of closeness towards u.. i just felt so whole-heartedly giving my all in whichever point in time of our friendship.. whatever i cld provide.. i wld.. whatever i could give.. i would also do the same.. NEVER in the course of our friendship did i think that things between us would end up in this state.. i honestly thought we could be close forever.. we could knew each other so well forever.. we cld be so honest with each other forever.. but it was all wishful thinking on my part.. i never felt this way for any other person before.. the wide and deepest feelings i ever gave.. the most serious i have ever become..

i want u to know that up till this very point in time.. im feeling so heart broken inside.. so sad.. so miserable and really hurt.. the intensity of it all cannot be described.. up till this very point in time.. i want to accept the way things are coming to me.. i want to accept the way things have become.. i want to accept the way u are treating me now.. which is simply worlds apart as compared to last time..

im sorry.. for vexing u up on so many occasions the past month.. that has probably even led u to start this cold treatment towards me.. im really sorry and i hope u will forgive me.. and not take it to heart..

even now as i really dun wish to do this.. i know.. that this is where everything ends.. closest people for each other.. confidants, kor and xiaomei, fair weather friends.. friends.. and acquaintances.. everything ends.. i can't believe.. everything i did.. in the past 1 year.. up into thin air.. im bidding u farewell.. and really honestly.. i wish u 2 all the best in ur time together.. u hav my richest blessings.. hope u 2 will be able to find joy in each other.. and be happy throughout everything..

lastly.. take good care of urself.. it really hurts as im saying all these.. becos i never thought that this wld happen.. u might even have nth to sae after reading this post but let that be.. i said everything i cld.. u might hav probably clsoed everything regarding me on ur side.. but on mine.. i haven't.. and it will take time for me to.. so as i was saying.. take extremely good care of urself.. the most impt thing.. ur christian faith.. ur trust in God.. alright.. walk close to God and he will walk close to u.. i suppose u don' t need me in ur life anymore.. or u might not even want me in ur life anymore.. let that be.. alright.. things have come to a point where i really am so speechless and stuff lyk that.. im all alone now...but that won't matter to anyone..

*i want u to know.. up till this very moment.. i want to forgive.. YOU.. for everything that has happened.. for everything that u hav done..yup..it's not ur fault.. but i wanna forgive u.. i really want to.. and i hope that God through his grace and mercy grant me the wisdom and strength to overcome this psychological barrier that has been within me ever since..

Take care.. God bless YOU and ur family with his richest blessings FOREVER...