well.. it has been a bad period for me.. and its going to be a bad period too.. i guess this will be one of the most challenging durations in sec3 life.. where we will be given leadership roles in our CCAs.. and im lyk stuck in between two serious choices.. and i hv yet to arrive at a conclusion.. and at this point in time, my mind is just filled with so much stuff that i think its just gonna explode ler.. i think my computer has reached its limit le lors.. as in im so frustrated and worried over so much stuff.. sometimes u just wonder what other way can u end all ur worries and frustrations in life.... and the solution just flows into mind..
well, SYF training has started todae.. it was rather tiring.. especially being the first training we had, we werent clear of wat was gonna happen to us or wat it was gonna be lyk.. however, it turned out rather well.. just that the weather spoilt our plans.. we couldn't train out in Unity Square.. we had to go to the drill shed behind.. but it did make do...
stress from prefects are settling in too.. head prefect elections are coming up and the seniors are not at all pleased wif the way that our duties were being carried out.. resulting in some of us getting our prefect badges taken away.. it really was hurting to have our badges taken away.. even some of us couldn't hold back our emotions and we cried lors.. yea...
in fact im feeling pressured from all the various sides.. i just dunno how am i gonna cope.. its stressing.. it definitely is.. however i dun feel that some of my friends are feeling that way.. izzit just me or its the environment that i m in?
i just cannot help but feel lyk ending my life.. however dere are ppl around me who are comforting and spurring me on.. i appreciate their efforts.. however, not many can actually understand the situation that im in and can seriously help me..
well, im feeling so mixed and rotten inside.. how i wish someone cld brainwash me so that i cld forget everything.. everything in this world..............



wahh.. quite some time that i never blog liao ler.. many people say that sec4 is the toughest year in ur secondary school life.. i beg to differ though.. although i have yet to experience sec4 yet, i dare say that sec3 might be tougher than that of sec4.. sec3 life is so much different compared to that of sec2.. there are so much more subjects to concentrate on unlike sec2.. and sec3 is also a year whereby we are given leadership roles in our respective CCAs.. for me.. this is gonna be a tiring period for me.. a frustrating one too.. there are just too many stuff on my mind.. and some stuff which i want to put behind me.. becos thinking back about it will trigger alot of my emotions.. and i just dun want that to happen..

i m fully aware that what i did was wrong.. i've let some ppl down.. im sorry.. perhaps things have gone to a stage whereby it cannot be saved anymore.. even if it can be.. its no point as long as 1 person is unhappy... if only a few ppl out there knew wat i m experiencing now.. it wld be great to hav you to talk to..

if u have done smt wrong, it will only be right if u feel guilty right? unless u dun hv a conscience.. but i believe everyone has one.. it only depends on how clear their conscience is.. and how many ppl can actually admit to their mistakes after committing them? they wld want to save their face.. or portray themselves as a good person in front of other people.. however, looks can be deceiving.. it is wats deep down in ur heart that tells wat kinda person you are.. but even so if u admit, u still can't hide from the fact that u did smt wrong.. however, the bible talks about repentance and u will be forgiven.... even so, i dun think i can forgive myself that easily.. becos i feel a deep sense a regret over wat i did...

and this has also made a bad impression of me on some ppl.. but wat can i do now.. its lyk.. i cannot care too much about that liao ler.. cos i cannot do anything about it..

sometimes i just feel so stupid.. i feel so stupid for admitting it.. for who will know if i keep mum about it.... only God does.. but my conscience was striking me... i felt so uneasy and uncomfortable inside.. sometimes i ask myself.. do i regret admitting it.. deep down... my answer is no.. becos i have admitted to my mistake and asked for forgiveness....

well.. i cld tell tat u r very unhappy.. even before this incident.. u were unhappy.... wif me.. and knowing me.. if thats the case i really found no point in carrying on.. becos we were not even talking to each other at a point in time.. it can be proven tat we were drifting apart.. i dun exactly know what caused that to happen.... i asked u.. and u refused to tell me.... i dun understand why.. and i will no longer be able to understand why................

i still remember vividly when we first got to know each other.... and it was the first few days of knowing each other.. and the question which i asked... looks lyk we made the wrong answer... it all started wif that wrong answer.... i guess... if some things are not meant to be.. they will not be......................

how i wish God would point a direction in my life.. and help me to realise what im doing is sensible or to my disadvantage.. perhaps i'll just have to improve my relationship with God each day...



just came back from sec 3 camp.. amazingly i dun feel tired... perhaps a little bit only.. hais.. and todae also feeling kinda sad.. in fact i shld be feeling happy.. cos break camp liao le mar.. but i dunno why thats the case.. IN FACT, its a double celebration for me todae.. but.... i just can't lighten up.. sighx.. the thought of homework? i doubt i can be bothered to think about them at this point in time.. time to go into greater detail wat we did at the 4 day 3 night camp..
the bus journey was long yet tiring.. dun wanna fall asleep also difficult sia.. hais.. when we arrived at the campsite.. it was like a relatively short bumpy ride in before we were allowed to alight.. the camp was located nxt to a padi field lar.. and the padi's all looked neatly arranged.. after a few briefings on the entire camp.. it was time to start building our tents... my group pitched in about 7 mins.. which is kinda okae.. dunno if fast or not.. haha.. but who cares.. we were earlier than majority of others.. we settled into our tents wif our "barang barang" and i immediately reserved the corner of the tent.. dunno y but wif past experiences.. i sleep best at corners.. yea.. our first activity of the day was orienteering round the camp site wif a game to play.. we were given bearings and distances from the starting point and we were supposed to find the checkpoints throughout the whole race.. our grp walked so much thanks to one instructor who lied to us that our first checkpoint was correct lorr.. kaoz lar.. den we walk back to our starting point and did everything over again.. it was so tiring and the sun was beating on our backs.. wat else.. dio sunburn lorr.. hais.. den night time we had discussion for our campfire skit.. hardly anyone came out wif suggestions.. and we had to made do wif one of the ideas.. although it wasn't the best that we could come out wif.. practised like some 2 times.. and thats all for the number of times we practised.. and it was rather short too.. hais.. but i can't complain much.. i didn contribute anything to it..
managed to get some hours of sleep on the first night unlike most ppl.. wif 2 more days of camp left in mind.. it just gets demoralising lar.. we were gonna climb a mountain by the name of gunung lombak... the climb was rather tiring and long.. the slope was rather steep.. angle of elevation must have been some 80 degrees mann.. took a class photo at the summit and made our way down after a short rest.. when we got down the mountain.. everyone was just tired out and were all hungry.. thank goodness lunch was distributed to us soon enough and we indulged in our food.. at around 1.30 in the afternoon.. we made our way back to the campsite from the mountain which was a 40 min drive.. everyone just took the opportunity to sleep lar.. derhx.. when arrived back at the camp.. we were given not much time to prepare for the nxt activity because the schedule was a bit tight.. and soon we started on our bamboo raft relay and polo in dinghy.. both were rather fun.. but the cleaning up part was ya noe.. after showering.. was dinner.. the meals were just getting slightly better and better which was a gd sign.. yea.. and after dinner we had night walk in the padi fields.. it was a rather nice experience to walk under the bright moonlight.. we weren allowed to use our torchlights either.. and couldn't even talk to each other.. but it really was a night experience.. u will hv to walk down the path not knowing when a tiger or anything might just pounce onto u at any moment.. scary huh.. hahas..
slept slightly better on the second night.. woke up and brushed teeth.. got ready for breakfast.. weather in the mornings were rather cold.. so.. had to put on more clothing lorr.. after breakfast.. we had water obstacles challenge.. that was one of the best activites of the camp.. as u engage into the different types of obstacles.. u fall in when u r unable to maintain ur balance.. and u get wet and everyone laughs at u.. liddat wan lorr.. den we had a tiny race.. which showed us who the clear winner was.. our class didn even stand a chance.. on we went to raft building and tying of knots.. i tied 3 of the corner knots of our raft wif some help frm the ppl in my group and we made use of 6 bamboo poles and 2 barrels to make our raft.. and when we were launching our raft.. it withstood the weight of 2 of our guys for a minute or two.. but soon enough.. the knots became unstable and the whole raft kinda subsided.. and who else to blame.. but me.. yea.. okae.. my fault.. in the afternoon.. we went to a nearby school to have inter-school games wif them.. there were 5 sports.. table-tennis, sepak-takraw, soccer, basketball and volleyball.. we beat them in everyone except sepak-takraw.. and most of us were spectators cheering our hearts out.. okae.. maybe not our hearts out. .haha.. headed back to the campsite for dinner and had some free time on our own.. before we gathered at the hall to be dispatched to the campfire area.. the campfire was a rather okae wan.. just that the spirit wasnt there between the classes.. so the end result of the campfire was average.. our class screwed up the skit.... yea but wat to do.. not enough preparation marhx.. hais.. den came night snakx and time to go to bed.. best thing was there wasn't lights out.. which meant those who didn want to sleep can dun sleep lorr.. my tent played a few games of "dai di", tried to teach other ppl bridge and a few games of cheat.. yea.. but play until 1 liddat.. everyone sian liao ler.. so decided to go to sleep lorr.. afterall gonna go back to s'pore the nxt day liao ler.. so lets just let time pass lorr..
woke up feeling rather excited.. on the schedule was only area cleaning, packing up of tents and breakfast.. after everything was completed, we left the campsite at around 10am.. which was a little behind our expected time.. but it was okae.. wats important is that we got to leave the campsite! haha.. our form teacher bought us chocolates and almost everyone ate them and finished them on the bus.. had to fill up survey forms too.. 2 lar! 1 from school 1 frm the company who runs the camp.. yea.. reached back in school at around 2 i think.. yea.. den after a few administrative matters.. we were dismissed!! whoo hoo!!
i guess overall the camp was rather fine.. just that it wasn't very interesting and exciting.. dunno why lar.. but i guess the spirit wasn't there in everyone of us.. practically all the meals were organic brown rice lorr.. so healthy right.. living nxt to a padi field wat do u xpect to get.. but it was a gd experience lar.. although the cooking wasnt that good.. yea..
sighx.. 1 wk of holiday coming up.. and it will soon be over in a twinkling of an eye.. and den..... term 2 starts.. how fast sia.. okae.. its getting late.. will blog more often.. hope so.. hahas.. kkae.. signing off......



hais.. wif the recent events.. and upcoming events.. and the future looming nearer.. it just gets scarier and scarier as to how time flies.. before everyone knows it.. we wld be young adults liao ler.. hais..
ca papers went and came back.. came back wif lots more red ink.. and obviously.. its because there are more strokes of the red ink.. did quite badly for my CAs.. all average and below.. and was just reflecting on wat had caused my results to dip.. i thought it mus have the great number of things that have really affected me alot recently..
just started on a new tutor.. and he asked me one very good question.. he asked me wat was my aim in life.. and i was stunned at that question.. cos i didn hv one.. i dun even hav an ambition or anything of that sort.. i was just living my life like 1 day by 1 day.. how great a failure can i be? it was at this point in time.. i realised that my life was pointless.. meaningless.. just what was i living my life for?! for myself?
however.. when i m listening to music.. i feel exceptionally far away from all my worries and problems.. and sometimes when i even sing to the music.. my tears cannot help but just flow lar.. i m not afraid to admit that.. everyone cries.. especially when dey are feeling helpless.. and miserable.. and sometimes.. u just hv to cry it all out.. becos bottling up ur emotions wun help.. but cause internal injury..
well.. todae.. woke up at 9.30.. lazed around until 10.30.. den bathed and my father fetched me to piano lesson.. and during the lesson.. i just couldn't help but keep laughing lar.. and i bet i didn't stop laughing until 3 minutes later.. it was becos of some joke that my teacher made from my playing.. cos i wasn't playing that well lar.. and she said it turned out like a chinese song..lol.. but not only because of that that i laughed lar.. got other things also.. but cannot rmb.. and i laughed until stomachache lor..
i very weird right.. mood swing can swing from one end of the galaxy to another.. but it wun be long before the sad thoughts come flowing back to my mind again.. sighx..
will there ever be a light at the end of the tunnel?
<<>>